Just For Tonight
by madeleine68
Summary: Set during "Lead." Alex returns to Olivia. A/O oneshot. Please review!


**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Dick Wolf owns it all. *cries***

**This takes place around the time of **_**Lead**_**. Alex returns.**

Olivia woke up at eleven to find someone knocking at her door. She instinctively reached for her gun and sat up in bed, realizing she was still in her clothes. She hadn't meant to fall asleep earlier, but they'd been working for 36 hours straight and she'd been exhausted.

Keeping one hand on her gun, she made her way to the apartment door. If it was Elliot, saying he'd been locked out of his own house and asking if he could crash on her couch, she was going to kill him.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Alex standing on her doorstep, her hair damp from the rain. She looked just as elegant as ever, and Olivia was hit with a pang of nostalgia. She wanted to fold the blonde into her arms and kiss away the years of her own hurt, to make love as they had before, to forget. But she couldn't do any of those things.

"Oh. It's you." The words came out more harshly than she'd intended. They weren't what she'd meant to say, but she couldn't take them back now.

Alex flinched, but didn't look away. "I guess I deserved that," she said evenly. She bit her lip, uncertainty ghosting across her features for just a second. "It's cold outside. Can I come in?"

Olivia wanted to say no, that Alex didn't get to do this to her. Alex couldn't just waltz back into her life like this and expect everything to go back to the way it was before. She couldn't keep breaking Olivia's heart like this. After all, it was she who had stayed away, she who had not returned the 27 voicemails Olivia left her, she who hadn't given Olivia a second thought until today.

But she couldn't quite bring herself to say no to Alex. She never could.

She finally stepped aside, unable to give verbal consent but hoping this was enough. Her words stuck in her throat when she was around Alex, as they always had. She remembered the first time it had happened, the moment the revelation hit her: _Oh, so _this _is love_.

Alex pulled off her coat and stood awkwardly for a moment before setting her jaw and going to the closet, hanging it up as if she still lived there. She walked into the living room and perched on the edge of the couch, and Olivia was perfectly happy to follow her lead for now. Olivia was so flustered right now that she had no idea what to do, no idea what was expected of her. On one hand, she wanted to take hold Alex close and inhale the subtle scent of her strawberry shampoo. She'd missed that smell, and the way it felt to run her fingers through Alex's hair, and the way it felt to hold Alex's hand, and the way it felt to kiss Alex's lips, and the way it felt to fall asleep with Alex in her arms. She'd missed Alex, period. But another part of her, the larger part, the more logical part, told her that she deserved an explanation. She deserved to know why Alex had avoided her for three years. She deserved to know why Alex had returned now. She deserved to know whether Alex had even loved her to begin with. And she wouldn't give in until she had the answers.

Alex sat ramrod straight, her hands folded in her lap, with the poise of a princess. She finally broke the silence, and Olivia was surprised at the insecurity she could detect in Alex's voice. "I can explain."

Olivia forced her gaze to remain impassive. She couldn't give an inch, otherwise she would break. Alex could always melt her with just one word, with just one touch; hell, with just one _glance_. "I'm sure you can."

"Do you still want me to?"

Olivia sighed. "You know what, Alex? I'm not sure _what _I want anymore. I thought I wanted you, but now I'm not so sure."

Alex took a deep breath, choosing not to reply to that. "Olivia, I know I've screwed up. Majorly. I should have done so many things. I should have called you. I should have called you a million times over. I should have told you I'd returned, that I'd become Bureau Chief, that I'd gotten engaged. But I didn't, and I'm sorry. That's the past, and there's nothing we can do about it. But we can do something about the future." She faltered. "Or lack thereof."

"That's nice," said Olivia dryly, still keeping up that wall between them. She couldn't let her cold exterior waver, let Alex glimpse what was underneath. "I've spent all day today talking to ADA Alexandra Cabot, Ice Princess. I'm not sure if that's who you are now, but that's not the woman I fell in love with. The woman I fell in love with is _Alex_. The woman who likes white hot chocolate with 1% milk and mini-marshmallows. The woman who curls against me at night, for warmth as well as comfort because she's always cold and I'm always hot. The woman who loves beaches and summers and Central Park. The woman whose favorite flower is lavender, whose favorite color is turquoise, whose favorite Disney princess is Aurora. That's the woman I fell in love with, and I'm not even sure whether or not she exists anymore."

To her horror, Alex felt tears rushing to her eyes. Over the last few years, she'd lost sight of the woman she once was, and now Olivia was reminding her, and the pain was so raw that she didn't think she'd be able to bear it. Olivia was right – the woman she'd fell in love with didn't exist anymore. This new Alex had no heart, no soul. This new Alex was a robot. This new Alex was nothing without her Liv. But Olivia didn't want her anymore, and she knew why. "Alex Cabot died five years ago," she said quietly. This was over. It hadn't even begun in the first place. She had to leave, now, before she made even more of a fool of herself.

She got up and started to leave, but Olivia's gentle hand on her arm stopped her. "You came back."

"That's right." Alex forced herself to meet Olivia's eyes. "But she didn't."

Olivia sighed. She couldn't let Alex go like this, not again, no matter what the cost. "Let's start over," she offered, guiding Alex back to sit beside her on the couch. Even as Alex relaxed against the armrest, Olivia didn't let go of her hand. "Hi, Alex."

Alex smiled in spite of herself. "Hi."

Unconsciously, Olivia reached out to stroke Alex's hair. "I missed you."

Although the touch felt so good, Alex was _not _going to cry. She was Alex Cabot and she did _not _cry. "I missed you, too," she said softly.

"Can we go back?" asked Olivia after a moment, hardly daring to voice the words. "Just for tonight. Pretend it's April 3, 2002 again."

Alex smiled sadly. "You remember."

"Of course." Olivia caressed her cheek. "Don't you?"

Alex nodded slowly. She did remember that day, that night, the first time she'd told Olivia she loved her. The first time Olivia had said it back. The first time _anyone_ had said it back, and meant it.

"Pretend, Alex. Pretend it's our first time." She smiled. "I love you."

Alex knew this dance. She'd done it before, and she could do it again, easily. "I love you, too."

"Always."

"Always," Alex echoed.

And Olivia leaned in and kissed her, long and sweet, hard and soft at the same time. Alex felt herself falling, melting into Olivia as she always had, their lips forming a bridge connecting them, as if they were one body instead of two. All she could see, all she could taste, all she could feel was _Olivia_, and it felt so good.

Finally air became a necessity and they broke apart, and Olivia's soft smile melted Alex's heart. She regarded Alex fondly and tucked a stand of hair behind her ear. "I love you," she repeated.

Alex took a deep breath. "Liv – I can't do this."

Olivia took Alex's hands in hers, squeezing gently. "Is it too soon? Should we wait? I'm sorry – I just missed you, Alex. So much."

"I missed you, too," said Alex quietly.

"Then I don't understand, honey. If you don't feel the same way about me anymore, that's okay – just tell me, Alex. I'll understand."

"No, that's not it. That's not it at all. I love you, Olivia. I do. It's just – it's been so long."

"If you don't want to do this –"

"I do, Liv. God, I do. More than anything else in the world. Just, please, try to understand –"

Olivia silenced Alex with a gentle kiss. "Shh," she said when she pulled back. "It's okay. I just want to hold you tonight – that is, if you'll stay?"

"Of course I will."

Olivia smiled and caressed Alex's cheek. "Of course." She patted her lap, and Alex hesitated for just a moment before climbing into it. She relaxed into Olivia and rested her head on the detective's shoulder, allowing Olivia to massage her tense muscles. "God, Alex," she said, kissing the base of Alex's neck. "You need a massage."

Alex smiled back. "I'm getting one now. If I had it my way, you'd be my full time massage therapist."

"Well, honey, you can't always get what you want."

"Just usually."

God, it was so easy to fall back into the patterns of their words, their touches, their easy banter. But Alex knew things weren't the same anymore, and they never would be again. This was just for tonight. It had to be.

Alex flinched when she felt Olivia gently lifting her shirt so she could rub Alex's back. It was an intimate gesture, and not a new one, but it was new today. It couldn't happen today. "Liv –" she began, but it was too late. Olivia had already seen.

"Alex," she breathed, lifting Alex's shirt higher and lightly tracing the deep circles on her back. "Alex, we send people to prison for this."

Alex bowed her head. "Let it go, Liv."

"No, Alex. I won't. Someone hurt you, badly, and now you're afraid. I understand, baby. I understand. But I need you to tell me who did this to you."

"It doesn't matter," said Alex in as measured a tone she could, then murmured, "I deserved it."

Olivia's heart constricted and she kissed a trail up the scars on Alex's back. "No one deserves this, Alex."

Crystal blue eyes met deep brown ones unflinchingly. "But I did. For leaving you. For leaving the one person who always loved me, who treated me like a princess, who would have given me anything I'd asked for, if only I'd asked."

"I know, sweetie, but like you said, all we can do is work from today. Dredging up the past won't help us."

"Then why do you want me to tell you about this?"

"Someone _burned _you, Alex. Someone took their cigarette and used you as an ashtray, over and over. None of this is your fault, and I would never blame you for it, but I want to help you, and I can't help me unless you let me."

"I don't want your help."

"No, but you need it."

Alex sighed. "Now do you understand why I couldn't come back?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah, but Alex, I would have helped you. I would have." She pressed a reverent kiss to the largest burn. "You're beautiful."

Alex lowered her eyes. "Even now?"

"_Especially _now."

Alex smiled and slid off Olivia's lap. She held out her hand. "Come to bed?"

Olivia took it, and off they went.

They could talk about everything else tomorrow. They could laugh and cry, they could hold each other, they could say what needed to be said and do what needed to be done. It wasn't just tonight anymore. There would be a million more nights just like this one. It could wait.

**Review if you enjoyed this oneshot!**


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